September 15, 2014 by Kambili M.A. Chimalu
I have had a few friends accuse me of being unpatriotic, so after examining my life, I asked myself, “Self! How can you make your blood run greener?” I was forced to observe the state of the upcoming generation and I have decided to be more patriotic by congratulating our Nigerian leaders on the wonderful work they are doing in supporting the youths especially in the educational sector. I hope they continue to dedicate extreme focus on encouraging any hope the youths might harbor for a better Nigeria.
I have taken the liberty of outlining the steps being followed in our continued attempts to ensure the success of the next generation and to offer suggestions for improvement.
- Make Access to Education Extremely Difficult: Do the youths want to better their lives, and the country, by getting adequate education? Crush that dream! We must not make it easy for people to get proper education because if we do, they will get the idea that Nigeria can be a country free from corruption.
- Education is for the Rich Only: If we must admit some people into our universities, we must cherry pick the rich ones that can afford to buy their way in. Do they have 1 cool million to buy their way into Medicine or 750,000 for Law? No? That’s too bad. If they are not willing to sell their family lands in the village, kidneys, eyes, parents, and siblings in order to bribe their way in, then education is not for them. Other developed countries pursue the best and brightest students, but not us. We pursue the richest.
- Assign Majors: The notion of choice is alien to us, so we must assign majors to all the students admitted. Did some of them apply for Bio-Chemistry? How presumptuous. We must quickly switch them to Theatre Arts. A name like Obi Tolu Mahmoud deserves to ring throughout the halls of theatre. Did some of them apply for Theatre Arts? Follow the precedent above and switch them to Bio-Chemistry because we already have too many Theatre Arts students. We must not allow them to pursue their areas of interest. We must dictate it for them.
- Infrastructure is Optional: We must not build adequate facilities for the students. Is anyone agitating for better facilities and structural integrity in the existing ones? Crush that demand! The Chemistry lab does not need any “sciency” equipment. What are they trying to do? Be innovative? Make breakthroughs in science? puh-leeez. A bowl of blood from a virgin hen, some feathers, and white chalk should do very well. That will help them in researching possible cures for Ebola. The library does not need books except the one titled “How to Successfully Stash Money in Swiss Bank Accounts.” The classrooms do not need desks and chairs because we cannot waste an opportunity to help all those lazy students get in shape by taking the squatting position during lectures.
- Classroom Sizes Should be Maximized at at least 1000 students per class: We must assign 1000 students to Chem 101, 2000 students to ENG 201, etc. The larger the class size, the better. Do we care that it is just one teacher in those classrooms? No. If students complain, remind them that Jesus, Mohammad (SAW), Ghandi and Mandela taught millions and still managed to get their points across. Do we care that all those students cannot fit into our shabby classrooms? No! Those that cannot cram themselves into the classroom should hang in from the windows or stand in the corridors. The industrious ones can use the virgin blood from the lab to develop Spidey abilities, so that they can hang on the walls and ceiling.
- Hire Unqualified Teachers: Do not balk at this suggestion. This is a key part in accomplishing our mission. Do you have an uncle’s brother’s stepmother’s cousin’s nephew that successfully forged his certificate? Chase him down and offer him the job. Do you have a qualified lecturer waiting to be interviewed in your office? Kick him out for being unqualified. We do not need thinkers in our classroom polluting the minds of our youth.
- Handouts! Handouts!! Handouts!!!: Lecturers should be actively encouraged to plagiarize textbooks and pass it off as original ideas in handout forms. In fact, it should be made law and any lecturer that dares to defy this law shall be summarily
executedfired. Students should be forced to buy these handouts and their grades must be dependent on it. Student A happily buys said handout — A. Student B grumbles before buying said handout — B. Student C refuses to buy said handout — F and some change to be collected when student C meets the same lecturer again next semester.
- Sorting is a Commandment: Remember that we’ve only admitted rich students, so sorting should not be a problem. On orientation day, students should be given the going rate for each grade. A – 25,000, B – 20,000, c – 15,000, D – 10,000, E – 5, 000, and the “I don’t want my exam paper misplaced extra fee” – 3,000. For students to get this rate, they must have happily purchased all handouts in class. If not, a penalty of the handout fee multiplied by 3 shall be added. To be gracious to the ladies, a night in a hotel room with the lecturer can be substituted for the sorting fee. If she contracts HIV, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Herpes or any other STI, she is guaranteed As in all her classes for that semester.
- Striking is Our Religion: I feel like we have not been striking enough, so I suggest that we commence 2 year long strikes at one month intervals. The one month interval is for schools to herd students into the exam halls and test them on concepts they have not been taught and preferably know nothing about. We need those sorting fees. The strikes must last long enough for students to forget their departments, level, lecturers, and even names.
- No Guarantee of Employment: Do the youths think that the government should make an attempt to provide jobs for its citizens or foster an environment where the private sector can thrive? Take that thought and run it over with a trailer. If we must present the façade of trying, we must take the NIS example and announce 1000 job openings for millions of unemployed youth and then schedule a test for spots we have already reserved for our uncles, aunties, village masquerades, cousins, and nieces because we still need to collect the registration fee from millions of desperate Nigerians. We must then hold the testing in the smallest stadium we can find. Damn any tragedy that may occur. It is the survival of the fittest in the
junglestadium, so they should tough it out.
Disclaimer: In true Nigerian fashion, I must confess that I have not been paid by any “ogas at the top” to sing their praises, but I will not object to someone passing me a Ghana-must-go bag full of Naira notes under the table.