October 27, 2014 by Kambili M.A. Chimalu
Really? One slap and you are done? what if it was a mistake? What if he apologizes for his mistake. So you just walk away from a home you have built over the years.How are you so sure that someone outside is not firing your home and knows you would leave because you are so impatient?
Hitting is not the worst thing and most times men/guys don’t just hit unnecessarily. When a woman rants ceaselessly the best thing to shut
her trap is some form of slap and she will shut up immediately. It happens to me all the time and I can rant like hell. Until my man hits some sense into me I will drive him mad with my ranting.
Domestic violence is an issue that is very close to my heart. One of my earliest memories is of a man that used to stay in our apartment complex beating his wife with the same cane he used in hitting his children. For years, I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation, but as I got older, I understood how dire the situation was and was left wondering with questions of why she stayed.
The quotes above are from the comment section of a popular blog and I am filled with despair. The more I listen to some people (Nigerian women) try to rationalize or excuse abuse, the more I see why men continue to get away with inflicting untold damage on the women they have sworn to love.
NOTHING ON THIS PLANET OR UNIVERSE CAN EXCUSE OR JUSTIFY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
The first thing we have to understand is that domestic violence is not a mistake. A mistake is neglecting to separate colors from whites before throwing the load in the washing machine. A mistake is accidentally deleting a recorded show that someone was dying to catch up on. Heck, a mistake is forgetting to pick up that gallon of milk from the store for the kids’ breakfast cereal. What is not a mistake, however, is intentionally balling a fist and striking another human being with it, repeatedly. This is not a mistake because the abuser has rationalized that the only way he can let off steam is to inflict pain on someone he perceives as weaker. That is not a mistake. That is sadism/wickedness/abuse/violence. To understand that domestic violence is not a mistake, we have to realize that no matter how much a female boss infuriates him, a man will NEVER lift his hands to hit her. Why? Because he understands that there will be consequences for that action.
Also, the fact that a woman “rants” at her husband is not justification for abuse. Husbands and wives argue all the time. The wife may rant. The husband may equally rant in return. That, however, is where it should end, ranting. A man cannot presume to silence his wife with his fists. An adage is my dialect says that there cannot be two mad people at once. A very good reason why I say that “ranting” is not justification for abuse is that parents rant too and no child would dare hit his mother. Sometimes, my mom scolds me from sunrise to sundown (I may call this ranting), so should I silence her with a slap or punch?
The reason men get away with hitting their wives/girlfriends in Nigeria, but not their bosses or parents is that there are dire consequences for hitting the latter group. If a man hits his boss, he would not only lose his job, he may even end up in jail. If a man hits his mother, I am sure we all can imagine what the outcome would be. Wives/girlfriends should not passively accept abuse. There must be consequences for abusing wives/girlfriends because if a man realizes what he will lose if he hits his partner, I am sure he will refrain from even thinking it let alone doing it. We must change the conversation from “was she “ranting” at him” to “what is the maximum sentence we can give this man for abusing his partner” in order to ensure that there are consequences for men that abuse our mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, and neighbors.
To those that say, “So you just walk away from a home you have built over the years,” I will tell you the same thing I told an elderly Nigerian woman: “I will not throw away my marriage because my husband have already decided to throw the marriage away the second he decided to use me as a punching bag.” To those that may term this a “spiritual firing from outsiders,” I call bullshit. If my husband wants to allow himself to be the “devil’s vessel” in the form of abusing me, I will gladly spread the welcome mat for Satan himself to occupy the space I will vacate.
Again I repeat, THERE IS NO EXCUSE OR JUSTIFICATION FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. If a man hits you, don’t wait for any umunna or kindred meeting. Take your things and run. Today, it may be just one slap, but tomorrow it may be a slap, a punch, and a kick, and next tomorrow it will be a slap, a punch, a kick, a koboko, a casket, and a six-feet deep grave.