December 31, 2014 by Kambili M.A. Chimalu
I have had a few friends accuse me of being unpatriotic, so after examining my life, I asked myself, “Self! How can you make your blood run greener?” I was forced to acknowledge that I haven’t displayed fervent patriotism and admiration on how marriages are conducted in Nigeria. I also noticed that there are a lot of pseudo experts who claim to understand the intricate workings of marriage in Nigeria, so I have decided to be more patriotic by using my expertise to educate every woman, young and old alike, on the artful façade of maintaining a marriage. As the year draws to a close, I want all the single and married women to adopt these guidelines as their New Year resolution.
I have taken the liberty of outlining the steps a woman MUST follow if she is to maintain a happy home and to offer suggestions for improvement:
- Recognize Your Husband As Your Lord And Personal Saviour: This is the first step to enjoying a happy marriage. Always acknowledge the fact that your husband saved you from the misery of “singledoom,” where you were undoubtedly wallowing in self-pity before he rescued you. Also, recognize that he is your Lord because you were made from his rib. Yes, you are a spare part and he is the whole. Remember that!
- Hold No Opinions of Your Own: As a wife, you are not allowed any independent thought/opinion let alone a contrary one. Your husband’s yes is your yes and his no is your no. Holding opinions of your own will just mean challenging his authority as your Lord and savior and that makes for an unhappy marriage.
- Kill Your Dreams/Ambitions: This step should be started waaaay before the marriage even, so once you get married, KILL your dreams and aspirations. Advancing in your career? Forget it! What are you trying to be? The man of the house? Your new dream should revolve around your husband’s every need and utmost satisfaction. If you dream too much or aim too high, you run the risk of intimidating your husband with your success.
- Be Flawless: Go to bed? Flawless! Wake up? Flawless! Doing house chores? Flawless! Pooping? Flawless tiny diamonds! Exercising? Flawless! Rolling in the mud? Flawless! You get the idea. You should be flawless at ALL times, starting from the minute you open your eyes in the morning to the second they close at night. You must be dressed to the nines at all times because you don’t want to give other young girls the opportunity to tempt your husband.
- Be Kama Sutra Personified: Anytime, let me repeat, anytime your husband wants it, your husband gets it.
He bought, sorry, he paid your bride price, so you must give him his money’s worth. You need to know all the moves and be able to contort your hopefully flexible body into unimaginable positions. Tired? Psst. Headache? Puh-Leeeez.
- Ignore His Excesses: You are blind. Aside from the fact that you are in love and therefore blindly in love with your husband, you are also blind to his excesses. Whatever your husband’s vice is, you need to ignore it. Does he cheat? Remember that men are polygamous in nature, so it is in his nature to indulge his animalistic urges. Also, it is actually your fault when he strays. Are you not kama sutra personified enough? Then, you need to up your game.
- Be His Laundromat: You are to be his personal Laundromat because that is the way it ought to be. Make sure his clothes are cleaned and ironed, and his shoes polished and shined every morning. Remember that his clothes need the special touch of your fingers, so do not think about a washing machine or a drycleaner.
- Be His Personal Chef: You have always been taught that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Your husband is a man … hint! hint! wink! wink! You need to have three course meals prepared for breakfast, five course meals prepared for lunch, and ten course meals prepared for dinner all day everyday. This means that you cannot let anyone else, especially your husband, prepare his meals. What do you know? Someone may try to add a little love potion in his meals if it is not cooked by you.
- Be The Cleaner: Keeping the house clean at all times is your sole responsibility. It would be an abomination to expect your husband to do any chores around the house.
- Etcetera! Etcetera!: No, I do not mean the singer. This is a culmination of all the other small things you have to do and be. You must be a working class lady. You can’t be dependent on him now. You must serve him his meals while kneeling. You must know his needs and attend to them even before he knows what those needs are. You must live in awe and servitude to your husband.
Disclaimer?/P.S?/Whatever: What do we care that marriage is between two unique individuals who must strive to maximize each other’s strengths and work together in creating a home that is perfect for them and their situation. As pseudo experts on relationships, we must put all the weight of making a marriage work on the woman, as though she is the only one in the marriage, and none on the man. That has always been the African way.