August 13, 2015 by Kambili M.A. Chimalu
I have had a few friends accuse me of being unpatriotic, so after examining my life, I asked myself, “Self! How can you make your blood run greener?” I was forced to acknowledge that I haven’t displayed fervent patriotism and admiration for the art of spousal abuse that occurs in a lot of marriages in Nigeria. I also noticed that people do not dedicate enough time and effort to offering the real excuses why some men abuse their wives, so I have decided to be more patriotic by using my expertise to educate every woman, young and old alike, on the honor that is her husband beating her.
I have taken the liberty of outlining the reasons abusive men abuse and MUST continue to abuse their spouses and to offer suggestions for improvement:
- He Loves You: I know some people will want to dispute this claim with the “Love is patient, love is kind … it is not easily angered. It always protects” blah blah blah mantra, but what screams love louder than a sucker punch to the stomach, a jab to the nose, a left hook to the jaw, and an uppercut to the chin? Imagine how much love your man has for you that he cannot wait until Valentine’s Day to paint the town red, but must paint your home red with your bloodied nose. Imagine how in love he must be to want to clothe you in the colors of royalty by beating you blue, black, and purple. This love is truly horrendously beautiful.
- To Show That He Is THE Man: Where would your man be if he does not constantly prove his manhood and brute strength against your weakling frame by bashing your head against the wall? Now, a reasonable person would argue that a man cannot prove his manhood by attacking those he perceives to be weaker than him and that there are qualities like kindness, gentility, trustworthiness, humility, etc. that better represent manliness, but we do not dwell in the realm of reason here. One may even dare to suggest that the man should prove his manhood by enrolling in the WWE or a boxing match to compete against his fellow men, but we must never even consider any course of action that might expose how much of a weakling the man is.
- You Deserved It: Let’s be honest here, any beating you receive is probably well deserved. How can you expect the man not to use a slap in reminding you that you need to kneel at his feet with the hand-washing basin until he is through with dinner whenever you forget? I know that your complex brain cannot process how your husband’s lack of self-control, barbarism, and animal nature are your fault, but that shows why you deserve those kicks to the stomach in abundance. By merely existing as your husband’s rib, you deserve the periodic punches and kicks for existing outside his ribcage as a full functioning autonomous human being.
- You Emasculated Him: As a wife, your primary duty is to protect your husband’s ego, so when you emasculate him by doing things like succeeding in your career or business, he needs to “de-emasculate” himself by knocking you down a flight of stairs. When you emasculate him by not remembering that your dreams and goals should be tailored just so they do not overtake his, you must be brought to heel preferably with a swift kick in the ass.
- You Did Not Submit Enough: You have tried to emasculate him and now you are not submitting enough? When the “wives submit to your husbands” rule was given, they forgot to add the most important part: submit even unto death. This means that you cannot question anything that comes out of your husband’s mouth because that will result in a slap or two.
- You Ran Your Mouth: As a woman, you know that you are a natural talkative, always running your mouth. This is also known as having any opinions of your own and daring to voice them. Do you think that vanilla ice cream drenched in caramel and coated with nuts is the best? Do you believe that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west? If you forget that you are supposed to be seen and not heard by articulating these thoughts, your husband cannot be blamed when he jams the words and a couple of teeth down your throat.
- He Wants To Turn You Into A Prayer Warrior: Have you reduced your fasting and prayers from a daily to a weekly occurrence? Have you fallen behind on your every night midnight crusade? Then you are the one looking for trouble. Whenever your husband perceives that you are drifting away from God, what better way can he be expected to remedy that than by knocking the breathe and living daylights out of you? He knows that people will encourage you to fast and pray about it instead of recommending a kickass lawyer when you mention it, so he is just moving that praying and fasting process along.
- You Did Not Do Everything Outlined Here [click here]: Did you forget to recognize him as your lord and savior, be flawless, kill your dreams and ambitions, etc.? If so, you are almost beyond redemption, but a timely intervention of a well placed uppercut from your husband should succeed in reformatting your brain (possibly through a brain injury), thereby leaving you amenable to accepting your rightful duties.
- He Wants To Be Romantic/He Wants You To Save Him: Others may believe that the idea of romance would be flowers, candlelight dinner, a stroll by the ocean front, a movie marathon or other silly little things, but why would your hubby descend to the level of the common masses? There is nothing more romantic than kicking and gasping for air as the man tries to choke the life out of you. In his romantic endeavor, he is also trying to activate your savior complex and have you save him from his days as a non-wife beater.
- It Is Your Fault: Redundant? Heck no! It is most likely your fault for having such fragile and succulent skin that is so inviting to your husband to use as a punching bag. Heck, being a woman is fault enough and he needs no other reason.
P.S: You know what I am not going to do? I am not going to stand on the rooftops and scream that abuse is never okay until I can scream no more, but even then I will not croak out through parched throat that women deserve more than being told to “pray about it” while dying in silence. I will not encourage a battered woman to run for her life, seek help, get a good lawyer, and help in any way that I can. I will not tell a woman to listen to those who tell her that love shouldn’t hurt. What do they know? With their healthy and happy relationships, I bet they want every woman to be in a healthy and happy relationship. The gall! I will not be caught telling a woman that the weak men that abuse women are not worth even a grain of sand and that no woman should ever be afraid of losing such worthless creatures. I will …
Disclaimer: In true Nigerian fashion, I must confess that I have not been paid by any “ogas at the top” to make this public, but I will not object to someone passing me a Ghana-must-go bag full of Naira notes under the table.