Women Killing Women

5

August 31, 2015 by Kambili M.A. Chimalu

It is a habit of mine to read all those popular Facebook “advice columns” where people, especially women, come to ask for advice. The suggestions that are given to these women always leave me baffled, but I manage to suppress my anger and rage most of the time. However, I recently read one that I just couldn’t let go of as easily. I don’t know why this particular one, but it burrowed itself into my head and wouldn’t leave. I will post the lady’s question and the columnist’s advice because I want to make sure that I am not the only one that can see the inhumanity in the suggestions she got.

Hello Aunty Amara kudos to all the wonderful things God is using to do..May God bless your home greatly! 
As I type, happiness have eluded me because of what my husband did to me. 
My husband was once upon a time a cheat but his love for me made him to choose me over other women.
We got married through thin and thick but I stood by him and it wasn’t too long,blessings rolled in..
He had always promise to surprise me for my patience and that he did with a beautiful car but my joy was short lived after I found out that he was cheating..
I read a dirty phone conversation and was torn apart,he had to invite his mum to come plead on his behalf and his reason was that I once accused him innocently..
Days have turn into months yet I can’t seem to forget all that have happened especially now that our sex life is more of a drag,if I don’t make a move he won’t even blink although he give me anytime I want it..
He once told me that he hate stretch marks,I also do but after having our beautiful daughter I just couldn’t help it.
I don’t know if the presence of stretch marks is the cause of his behavior..
I feel totally unattractive yet am very beautiful,tried all kinds of cream but I guess am stocked..
To make the whole matter worse I think he is gradually going back to his bad habit,the last argument we had was a dialled number and in order to cover up his act,he said to me “go and die” and because of this careless comment have been avoiding me for days now..
He really do love me and cares for me a lot but this dirty part him keeps me doubting even when I know he do. 
I want to stay married and be happy because I have got a home envied by many,my marriage is like a landmark to a lots of my friend yet am dying in silence..
What do I do?I just want to have my best friend back,please help me.

Now, here is the advice she got:

Infidelity no matter the excuses one may give or the gifts one may offer or the cares and love he may share with is cancerous to any relationship or marriage. 
It weakens the soul and makes one look like a worthless being. 
It hurts, hurts and hurts even with the good intentions of the partner, Infidelity can never make any marriage to be fulfilling. 
Unto God such a person is sharing what belongs to you with another person and for whatsoever reasons such a person is exposing the other partner to many sexually transmitted infections which will never leave the other partner the same way that he/she came. 
Combating with Infidelity requires huge sacrifices, so much prayers, good communication and patience. 
No matter the excuses he may have for cheating on you, he has only succeeded in reducing your self dignity and self worth and that was the reasons for the way you felt about him and the relationship. 
Begin with communicating your feelings and pains with him. Let him know your secret pains and grave concerns, plead with him to help you improve your love making skills or any other thing that may be a turn off for him. 
Listen to him and find out more about his fantasies about sex and love making. 
Take your time and work on the areas that needs improvement in your body, be clean and sexy and give priority to meeting the needs of your husband. 
Go for shopping and buy wears that will increase his appetite for your body, please do not forget to add good deodorants for your body. 
Go for workouts and shed some pounds of weight off your body. 
For men good sex begins with appealing body. 
Prepare his favourite meals and take your time to celebrate your husband irrespective of his careless comments and attitudes lately. 
Forgive him not because you are not hurting but because he needs your help to overcome his weakness for strange women. 
Please do not give room for poor communication in your marriage, it breeds a lot of dangers and doubts in your marriage. 
If it is possible which depends on you, leave his phone and whatever happens inside his phone as part his business and focus more on the man God has blessed you with. 
Allowing his chats and conversations to ruin your marriage wouldn’t be commendable for a woman of virtue. 
I know that it hurts but you can choose not to let his phone bring a barrier in your marriage,it’s a distraction too insignificant to destroy your efforts and selfless sacrifices in your marriage. 
Encourage yourself with God’s word and read motivational articles and write ups, it will help take the pressure and worries of your marriage off your mind. 
Every man who cheats on his wife is fighting a hard battle which most times they yearn for help using wrong approach. 
Please do not relent in praying for him and in supporting him in any way convenient for you. 
With God by your side and by His grace and wisdom, I am hopeful that you shall overcome this phase of your marriage and win your best friend back in your arms. 

I was totally baffled by what I read and because I have not totally mastered the art of minding my business when it comes to issues that concern women, I took it upon myself to write the columnist a rather lengthy message:

I want to start this message by offering an all encompassing disclaimer/apology for anything you may deem offensive in what you are about to read. I have not written to you before, but I come across your page(people ask question, you respond) every once in awhile and I take my time to read the post and comments. Sometimes, I don’t agree with your advice, but I never really say anything. However, the advice you gave a lady with a cheating husband on August 31 left a really bad taste in my mouth. I tried to ignore it like I normally would, but my heart kept coming back to it because your advice was emblematic of the unfair nature of advices given to women in situations like this.

You started out pretty great by recognizing the destructive effects of cheating on spouses, but somehow you managed to get into a territory that blamed the woman and absolved the man of any responsibility for his own actions. You take your first step into this territory by saying, “Begin with communicating your feelings and pains with him. Let him know your secret pains and grave concerns, plead with him to help you improve your love making skills or any other thing that may be a turn off for him.” I want you to read and reread this statement until the gravity of it sinks in. First, the lady has obviously communicated her feelings to him which he used as justification for his cheating ways: “I read a dirty phone conversation and was torn apart,he had to invite his mum to come plead on his behalf and his reason was that I once accused him innocently.” This husband uses his wife’s concern and communication of her feelings as an excuse. Next, you imply that the woman’s lovemaking skill is subpar and in need of improving, thereby causing a turn-off for the man. However, the thing is that this man has always been a cheat, so I highly doubt that his wife turning into kama sutra personified will change his nature.

As if that was not enough, you then decide to go further by saying, “Take your time and work on the areas that needs improvement in your body, be clean and sexy and give priority to meeting the needs of your husband. Go for shopping and buy wears that will increase his appetite for your body, please do not forget to add good deodorants for your body. Go for workouts and shed some pounds of weight off your body. For men good sex begins with appealing body.” Let me try to paraphrase what this section sounds like: You must be dirty and unsexy thus leading your husband to look outside; prioritize the needs of a cheating husband who has already robbed you of your self esteem over your own wellbeing; You must be dressing like a haggard street woman, so buy some clothes and cover that smelly armpit with deodorant; btw, you are fat, so go to the gym and shed some weight. I don’t even know where to begin in addressing the debasing nature of this section, but I will attempt to show you how inhumane this advice is to a fellow woman. The lady says, “I feel totally unattractive yet am very beautiful,tried all kinds of cream but I guess am stocked.” By her own admission, she is a beautiful lady. She has already given priority to the needs of her husband by trying different creams in order to eliminate the stretch marks he finds so unappealing. Does a woman that takes this much time for just stretch marks sound like someone who is unclean, doesn’t wear “sexy clothes,” doesn’t use deodorant (a basic hygiene staple I might add), or looks unappealing?

Then, you tell her to “Prepare his favourite meals and take your time to celebrate your husband irrespective of his careless comments and attitudes lately.” First things first, his attitude is not “lately” because it has been going on for the entire duration of their marriage and even before the marriage. Please, how do you propose she celebrate her husband? Should she “go and die” like he aptly suggested in her celebration of a cheating husband? I am not even going to get into the cook his favourite meals part with a ten foot pole.

On the “Forgive him not because you are not hurting but because he needs your help to overcome his weakness for strange women” part I agree with you slightly. Forgiveness is good, but I see her forgiving him more for her own personal growth than for anything else. He needs the help of Jesus more than he needs her help in overcoming his “weakness.” You have spent this entire column basically indirectly blaming this woman for her husband’s actions, but when you get to the part where you should actually apportion blame to the man, you conveniently absolve him by calling his chronic infidelity a “weakness for strange women.” A weakness? Really? Is that the way we are going with it?

Furthermore, I cannot believe that you, in good conscience, even suggested this to this poor woman: “If it is possible which depends on you, leave his phone and whatever happens inside his phone as part his business and focus more on the man God has blessed you with. Allowing his chats and conversations to ruin your marriage wouldn’t be commendable for a woman of virtue. I know that it hurts but you can choose not to let his phone bring a barrier in your marriage,it’s a distraction too insignificant to destroy your efforts and selfless sacrifices in your marriage.” First, did you just advocate willful ignorance on the woman’s part? My people perish for lack of knowledge. Closing her eyes to it is NOT going to make her husband’s infidelity go away, but it can hasten her contraction of several deadly and untreatable STIs around. The thing is that it is not just her husband’s business alone because his business is putting her life in grave danger. Another thing, she is not allowing his chats and conversations to ruin her marriage. This was another opportunity for you to recognize the man’s fault, but you conveniently do not. The MAN IS THE ONE RUINING HIS MARRIAGE. His actions have already ruined and created a barrier in his marriage, so the woman recognizing that fact is not going to all of a sudden cause her not to be a “commendable woman of virtue” or nullify her “selfless sacrifices.”

Finally, I know that it can be a difficult job trying to give appropriate suggestions to people, but we must always endeavor to give fair and balanced suggestions. Ask yourself this, if a man had written to tell you that his wife was cheating on him, would you have told him to buy sexy clothes, use deodorant, lose a few pounds, cook her favourite meals, and prioritize her needs? I believe that you would give the man more practical advice.

I must commend you for what you do because it is not an easy job. Keep doing what you are doing because you definitely help a lot of people. Best Wishes. XOXO


I cannot even fully express how/what I fell when I read stuff like that. God help us all.


Image: Google Images

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5 thoughts on “Women Killing Women

  1. Obisco1 says:

    If I could love this a hundred time, Kambili, I would!

    I’m not going to add anything else to the reply you gave the woman because you’re spot on. What I would say is that it is time we Nigerians/Africans, if you like, return to our polygamous route. That’s it!

    All this faux-Victorian religious life we’re living is not working at all.

    How is it that with all the religious people – the teeming churches we have in our land, we are the biggest ‘sinners’? Yet if you threaten someone with the wrath of Amadioha or a curse, they are more likely to obey you???

    My dear, we need to go back to our roots, sorry. We need to re-negotiate our beliefs and spirituality because this thing is not working.

    Does that excuse cheating? NO, not at all.

    But, if the society is built round a system where a man is allowed to marry more than one wife and is under oath to treat both as respectfully as possible, he can’t possibly ‘cheat’ can he?

    On the other hand, we could go the way of Polyandry – so that when the woman is tired, she too can move on to the next man that catches her fancy. I know of examples of that in the former Eastern Nigeria where the women are at liberty to marry who they choose, leave if the man is becoming an idiot and re-marry another quite easily.

    All this wash yourself, paint yourself, clean yourself, cook yourself even just to keep another human being is simply a bloody waste of time!

    Like my brother always says, a man who wants to stay, will stay and a man who wants to leave will leave…no matter what you do.

    I say, a man who wants to cheat, will cheat! If you like be Beyoncé, Tiwa Savage and Bianca Ojukwu all rolled in one!

    Like

    • Nne, I wholeheartedly agree that we need to renegotiate our beliefs and spirituality. I’ve had it up to here (imagine me putting my finger across my throat) with people that use religion or religious texts as a tool of oppression. Therefore, I become agitated or militant when people bring up religion in defense of women’s subjugation. The one I always abhor is the “the bible says wives should be submissive” mantra.

      It doesn’t matter that the husband is a chronic cheat, who is endangering the life of his wife, but no! She must continue to give him sex because she ought to submit even unto death. The more people recite their religious mantra, the clearer it becomes that what they actually want is female servitude.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Obisco1 says:

        Because they couldn’t get away with it in the olden times!
        This so-called form of religion that people claim to practise has brought out the worst in them; that’s what you’re seeing.
        When I was much younger, if you got a woman pregnant, you married her, no ifs, no buts.
        If you took another wife because you didn’t particularly love that one, you damn well made sure the first one and offspring were well taken care of!!!
        My dear, I can go on and on with examples but suffice it to say that we need to re- negotiate our beliefs as we have become a bunch of raving, psychopathic hypocrites!!!

        Like

  2. Kachi says:

    Brilliant response.

    You gave it to her plainly and in a very easy to understand tone and language that if she countered it, then there is something fundamentally wrong with her.

    The only thing left- towing the line of her primary advice- is to pray. Pray that she not only reads this, but applies it to other similar situations and like a mental model, to other things.

    This is too brilliant by the way. In awe of your intelligence. #nowashing.

    Like

    • You always manage to feed my narcissism. 🙂 I awe myself a times with my intellect. 😉

      On a serious note, I believe some of these people come from the school of “divorce is gasp an abomination,” so they end up structuring their advice in such a way that harms women.

      I had a lot more to say about the letters like the fact that the man was NEVER the wife’s best friend or any such nonsense, but I felt my response was already long enough.

      Like

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The Author

My name is Kambili M.A Chimalu. This is a space where I share my thoughts, from the highly controversial to the mundane. I would love nothing more than to share this space with people who will motivate me to work towards a better tomorrow, so I welcome anyone that wants to share this space with me.

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