Sacrificial Lambs On The Altar Of Marriage

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December 21, 2015 by Kambili M.A. Chimalu

I am engaged in a fierce battle with my two selves. The gentle and more cautious me is fighting for me to write this article with civility in order to get people involved in this discussion without alienating them, while my raging, does-not-have-time-to-walk-on-eggshells, pissed off other self is screaming, “fuck that bullshit. Let your rage flow unfiltered onto these pages, so that people will recognize the severity of what you are about to discuss.” What to do?

Not too long ago, the story of Sugabelly blew open the mask of rape/sexual assault in Nigeria and screamed above the culture of silence that has been prevalent in Nigeria. Sugabelly didn’t need a key or anyone’s permission to open that door; She napalmed it and gave other people permission [courage] to do the same. This gave birth to the space that is http://www.youareneveraloneng.tumblr.com for women to share their stories. I have read through all the stories on there and I encourage everyone to do the same. I was confronted with the reality that is life in Nigeria.

I was despairing. Just when I thought I was beginning to get a sense of my bearing, I was confronted with a sea of ignorance so strong that I feel I am drowning. I wonder if I ever left the shadow of dark clouds that was despair. A while back, I wrote about my anger at some women’s response to being asked what they would do if they caught their husbands molesting their children [My People Perish for Lack of Knowledge], my anger at women giving their fellow women wrong counsel [Women Killing Women],  and my rage at people always trotting out the pray about it advice [Pray About It: The {Not So} Answer To Everything]. Individually, these things enrage me, but collectively, they threaten to pull me into a cycle of despair. These things manifested themselves in a Facebook post where a poster was seeking counsel about a despicable act committed by her husband.

The Post:

My niece came to live with us this year January, I just discovered that my hubby has been romancing her. I saw him pressing her breasts last night. I asked the girl to explain everything that has been happening between them she told me that my hubby has been disturbing her to sleep with fim since when she came. My hubby told her that he dreamt that she belongs to him. This girl is sleeping in my childrens room so anytime my hubby goes check the kids at midnight he romances the girl. I have find out before that my hubby was dating a nurse in our family hospital. When I discovered I called the nurse and she really apologized to me and said she could not deny it. She said my hubby collected her number when I gave birth to my second child( through cs) and lately he has passworded his phone I don’t have access to his phone again. Mamalettes in the house what should I do? Am thinking of divorce I don’t want my life and my children life ruined with HIV. I have 3 beautiful kids for him. Please I need your sincere advice.

The Responses Trotting “The Pray About It” Nonsense:

  1. It is unfair but what u have to do is to pray to God to touch him and also remind him that what he has done to ur niece is againt humanity. Then send your niece away, don’t go for divorce always pray to God he will definitly change ur husband
  2. my sister i sincerely advice that i go to God in prayers,pour out your heart to Him.seek His face and you will be surprise at how things will turn around
  3. That ur niece could b an agent of d devil sent to ur home to destroy it some of dis young girls are possess pls look for a way to send her packing dis is a lesson for u no one could b trusted pray about dis and also do ur research well if ur hobby hasn’t slept wit her
  4. Send you niece away pray for your dear hussy and don’t consider him a dog as suggested by some mama’s
  5. Pls PRAY,God will see u through

The Responses Blaming The Victim:

  1. Do the needful,send your niece back home. If she had your interest at heart,she ought to av confided in you. Before you do so,be sure it ended in only romance cos in situations like this one has to do thorough investigations before actions. As for your husband,confront him with the issue,report him to his mother after all the settlements,i suggest you just take some time off,go to your parents for some weeks to cool off,cry all you want then,feel bad cos you are entitled to your emotions,do all you wish nd den return home. This time please try to be more vigilant especially towards your female children..
  2. My dear send dt ur niece back to her parents if dem send her e no go work,as for ur hubby dont consider divorce talk to him n put it in prayers he will change,thats d problem most woman are passing thru but they will not speak out. All men are dsame thing. Let it not border u.
  3. I think the girl should have opened up to her Aunty,she is enjoying it and now people are saying don’t send her back,take her for check up,whatever that happens to her, she caused it.And for the man,you should listen to Gods words,for the woman,confront your husband and threaten him in the sense that,if he did not stop all this ,you will go away with the children. That is why it is good for a woman to have some jobs doing or savings, this only will change the man.
  4. I think ur niece is not too kind at all if u didnt see ur hubby touching her breast and confronted her that means she won’t bother telling u wat is going on at all.pls send her packing and talk to our husband at it

The Responses Advocating “Sending the Niece Back” and Leaving Her to Her Own Devices:

  1. My dear it’s a pity and unfortunate that your husband has taking his randy self to people around you, take it easy but divorce is not an option at least for now. Send your niece back then, do as if you are not bothered though it’s difficult, you must not make out with him raw till there is a considerable change in his behaviour. The Lord is your strength, all the best.
  2. Divorce kaaa, send ur neice back to d parents… Cos I see no reason why she did not tell u all dix while until u where able to find… Password ur own fone too, give him break from sex for now…. Pray and talk to God for a change… Divorce shd be ur last option
  3. Start by sending your niece packing.
  4. Please be very prayerful, and send dat girl back to her parents. Mmmmmm, we men are not different from babies, anything goes for us, n is very bad.
  5. Yes send your loose niece home.before she bears the fourth child for you and your husband

The examples above are just a tip of the iceberg. However, I must confess that there were a few reasonable comments, but they were not enough to balance the horrors that were the hundreds of nonsensical comments masquerading as advice. Most of the comments [commenters] were concerned with protecting the idiotic man and the sham of a marriage: Send the girl back home; don’t tell anyone in your family to maintain your respect; don’t divorce him. They didn’t seem to care about the girl’s wellbeing and humanity. Not many people asked: what becomes of the girl’s innocence?; Does she not count?; Should the poster’s sham of a marriage be protected at the girl’s expense?; What about the girl’s psychological state?

I guess in the grand scheme of things, what is one girl’s humanity against the god that is marriage [a husband].

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

For those that may not be aware, this is what the poster should do:

  1. First, the number one priority here is the innocent girl that has been violated and molested by a beast of a man. The move here is to protect the girl and that means getting the molester away from her, but just bundling her back to her parents is not the way to go. If this poster sends her away just like that, then she is complicit in the girl’s molestation. The reasonable thing to do is to call the girl’s parents and tell them what happened to their child. They trusted her with their daughter. Together they can find a professional to help the girl navigate the emotional trauma and convince her that what happened was not her fault.
  2. Next, the second priority should be punishing the man for his inhumane act. This is so much more than praying for him and hoping he changes. What he did IS a crime and every crime has consequences. This is also not a matter of calling an Umunna meeting. The culture of silence needs to be blown to bits. The appropriate authorities should be involved in this matter. The logical thing to do would be to go to the police and make a report. The man is a fucking pedophile and he should answer for his crimes against an innocent girl. He should NEVER get the opportunity to do this to another child [his own children maybe?].
  3. Last, the poster’s third priority should be protecting the other children in the household and extricating herself from the marriage. That means DIVORCE. The poster should consult a lawyer, file for divorce, and fight like hell to make sure he gets ONLY supervised visits, if any at all [Hopefully, there will be no issue with denying him custody as he would be in prison for the rest of his life].

Children are powerless and innocent. Therefore, it is the responsibility of the adults around them to take care of them and protect them. There are a lot of damaged women walking around in Nigeria today because the adults in their lives failed them.

Damaged girls become damaged women. No, they remain damaged girls because the hurt and pain never go away, so damaged and scared girls in adult bodies abound.


IMAGE CREDIT: Google Images

 

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3 thoughts on “Sacrificial Lambs On The Altar Of Marriage

  1. Obisco1 says:

    ‘Children are powerless and innocent…damaged girls become damages women…’

    This, Kambili, says it all. I can bet you that most of the people advocating for prayer etc have been damaged in one way or the other and are only channeling their experience(s) unto the writer of that post.
    Until our collective mentality as a nation changes, my dear, I fear for the fate of our next generation females😥

    Liked by 1 person

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The Author

My name is Kambili M.A Chimalu. This is a space where I share my thoughts, from the highly controversial to the mundane. I would love nothing more than to share this space with people who will motivate me to work towards a better tomorrow, so I welcome anyone that wants to share this space with me.

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