April 12, 2016 by Kambili M.A. Chimalu
I have had a few friends accuse me of being unpatriotic, so after examining my life, I asked myself, “Self! How can you make your blood run greener?” I was forced to acknowledge that I haven’t displayed fervent patriotism and admiration for the art of cheating [AKA men are polygamous in nature, AKA how can we expect grown adults to eat only Egusi soup; they want Ogbono too] that occurs in a lot of marriages in Nigeria. I also noticed that people do not dedicate enough time and effort to offering the real ways women can handle cheating husbands, so I have decided to be more patriotic by using my expertise to educate every woman, young and old alike, on the complex dance of living with a cheating spouse.
Confession: Forgive me people for I have sinned. It has been ages since my last public display of patriotism. I must confess that even though I have told women how to “keep” successful marriages, and explained the ways women bring abuse upon themselves, I have betrayed Nigeria by not bathing myself in the showers of green white green every minute of everyday. I have assigned myself my own penance, which is why I humbly present another commandment to my fellow Nigerian women.
I have taken the liberty of outlining the different ways women MUST handle their cheating spouses and to offer suggestions for improvement:
- Fast and Pray: I know what you are thinking: “Why is she telling us to pray when she has previously derided the concept of asking people to pray about everything instead of offering legitimate solutions?” Well, this is where I remind you that I am a flawed human being, who does not know it all. This is where I also boldly urge you to ignore James, his Epistle, and all that faith without work is dead shebang. The mantra here is to P.U.S.H [Pray Until Something Happens]. This is not just only a matter of praying; it must be combined with fasting. Just to show that you are truly committed to following Jesus’ path, the fasting should be for forty days [don’t include the nights because we don’t want you challenging Jesus’ record]. At exactly 12:00 every night, come to your sitting room, stand under the ceiling fan, raise both hands, and start waving both hands frantically in prayer. Hopefully, NEPA does not act out of character by bringing light. If NEPA were to bring light, just keep waving your hands frantically into the fan. Worry about mopping the blood and picking up the severed fingers when day breaks. On the last day of prayer, assume the usual position, but as you convulse, slowly start taking off all your articles of clothing. When you are stark naked, start running in circles around your living room while chanting at the top of your lungs. The moment your living room can no longer hold you, open the door and run out into the streets. Run until you get to Yaba Left, where you will meet your brethren. Extra points for screaming, spitting, pointing, and laughing at all the people that are crazy enough to be walking on the same side of the road as you.
- Mind Your Business: You are probably thinking that the moment you and your husband exchanged vows, his business became your business and vice versa, but I want you to cast that devilish thought straight out of the pit of hell from your mind. You see that cellphone calling your name and inviting you to scroll through it, ignore, ignore, and ignore some more. Whenever you are tempted to look, even when the evidence is staring you in the face, repeat this chant to yourself, “what I don’t know can’t kill me.” Remember, curiosity killed the cat. You have nine lives I am aware, but do you really want to spend all nine lives on frivolous issues? Also, since you have already poked your nose where it did not belong, you are only working with eight lives now. We need to save those for fighting the HIV/AIDS, Herpes, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, and other multitude of STIs that will invariably arise from you minding your business. You remember that “what I don’t know can’t kill me chant,” I am sure the HIV/AIDS will surely understand when you sit it down to explain that it cannot really infect you because you were oblivious of the fact that your husband is a carrier. It will surely respond by saying, “ignorance is bliss, so I will move on to someone else,” or it can stay and even invite his brother Chlamydia, sister Hepatitis, cousin HPV, and their entire kindred to the party. Good luck on spreading your remaining eight lives among them.
- Develop Selective Amnesia: Amnesia is a medical condition that cannot be forced, but if you hit your head against the brick wall that is your husband’s chronic cheating enough times, you should be able to master the art of selective amnesia. Bear in mind that the philosophical teaching of “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” is actually half-baked because it forgot the most important principle of all: “remember no evil.” However, this selective amnesia applies only to the cheating and his worst qualities. If a mistress sends you a picture evidence, selective amnesia it with the picture of the time he rocked the baby to sleep. If you see him walking into the hotel hand in hand with his mistress, selective amnesia it with the knowledge of the time you clung to his hands on the beach as he tried to drown you in the waves knowing fully well you can’t swim.
- Congratulate Him: How can you congratulate a man who has just cheated on you, you ask. Well, it is quite simple. Start with building him an altar in your living room. Find a large enough podium where his picture, his mistresses’ pictures, and a wreath will fit. Every morning, go to the altar and praise him by all the glorifying names you know. Next, throw him a damn parade. Invite the whole neighborhood. Bring TV cameras because this moment needs to be enjoyed far and wide. Have balloons, music [the more superstar musicians you can invite, the better], floats, flashy costumes, fireworks, and everything else that will make this event pop. If you need to empty your bank account on this parade, that is only a small price to pay to tell the world that your husband is the ish. Finally, petition the Olympics, Grammy, Oscar, Nobel Prize, and all the award giving committees to create a special category for your lovely husband. He deserves all the gold medals and trophies in the world, and that is exactly what you are going to give him.
- Pamper Him: The moment you become aware that your husband is cheating, acknowledge the kind of turmoil that must be going on in his head, so you need to pamper him. After all, the identity of his mistress has been compromised, so he has to go through the hassle of finding a new mistress, secret apartment/hideout, phone, and everything. Can you imagine how exhausting that must be for him? Make the process easier for him. Cook his favorite meal, anonymously sign him up on the Ashley Madison website, where he can cheat in private until the site gets hacked again, book him for a massage to take away the stress of the whole process, and kiss his feet every night before you go to sleep. His utmost comfort/enjoyment is paramount at this delicate time in his life.
- Be Grateful: I need you to stay with me on this one. Don’t balk at the idea of being grateful to your cheating husband. There are lots of things to be grateful for. Does he pay the children’s school fees? Yes? In Charlie Sheen’s words, winning! I can’t hear your “should we be taking advice/words from Charlie Sheen” over the sound of you winning. Does he beat you? No? Still winning! Does he pay the house rent? Yes? Mega winning! You see, you really have nothing to complain about. At least, he pays the rent, school fees, and does not beat you. You are in marriage heaven, so not being grateful to your angelic husband for only cheating just shows how much of a bad wife you are. One caveat though: you need to selective amnesia how winning turned out for Charlie Sheen.
- Admit Your Fault: While we are on the subject of bad wives, you will need to admit your failure in not satisfying your husband. Please, hold your objections about NEVER denying him sex and always practicing different styles with him. You need to learn that it is ALWAYS your fault. The minute you got married, you became Atlas because your marriage is on your shoulders and yours alone. You actually pushed him into the other women’s arms, so suck it up, put on your big-girl panties [please, not those granny panties because I am sure that was how you drove him into another woman’s arms in the first place], and admit your own failings.
- Apologize: After you have admitted your fault, the next step is to make amends by apologizing. You need to apologize for not being Ogbono, Ewedu, Onugbo, Nsala, etc. in addition to your Egusi. This should be no ordinary apologizing. You need to start with going to apologize to his ancestors with the penis of a grandfather he-goat that has never known a female goat, the egg of a half-blind cock that has never crowed once, and the nail of a male dog that is yet to be conceived. Then, follow it with apologizing directly to your husband. Prostrate before him and invite him to use you as a footstool. When it is time to eat, kneel on all fours so that your back can hold the steaming hot stainless tray that will undoubtedly scald your back. Remember to delicately balance the “washing-hand basin” on your head. Sing into his ears, “I am a mat. I am a table. Do with me whatever you will for I am contrite for your cheating.”
- Give Him More Sex: Everyone knows that the best way to save money is to throw it into a bottomless pit. Wait, what am I talking about? Where is the logic? Anyway, what I meant to say is that everyone knows the best way to handle a cheating husband is to give him more sex. You know, the sex you used to give him everyday is obviously not cutting it, so you need to put yourself in a contest with his many mistresses; a contest you must win. Naturally, you cannot think of denying him his “God-given” rights in order to process the magnitude of his betrayal. Sulk on your own time woman. Also, you cannot insist on protection at any time. What is his is yours too, so welcome those STIs with open arms.
- Do Not Confront Him: Do not, I repeat, do not even think of confronting him, let alone actually putting the thought into practice. Don’t think about it or speak about it. Some people will tell you to gently ask him about it after you have followed step 9, but that is too much. Talking about it will only show that you are insecure, a nag, and further drive him into the mistresses’ arms. This is where you get to be grateful that you have mastered the art of selective amnesia. You see, if you selective amnesia the incident(s) from your mind, how will you even remember to ask him about his philandering ways?
P.S: You know what I am never ever going to do? I am never going to tell wives that they deserve more than husbands that cannot respect the vows they made at the altar. I will never tell women that the statements “men are polygamous in nature” and “I want variety. No be everyday Egusi soup” are all tools of patriarchy designed to convince women that they don’t deserve better. I will never tell women that pretending a problem is not happening does not make it go away, but instead exposes them to deadly diseases that will surely kill them before their time. I will never tell women that “protecting/keeping” a home that is already broken beyond repair is not going to take them to heaven. I will never tell women that they will be okay no matter what. I will never tell women that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and trust. I will …
Disclaimer: In true Nigerian fashion, I must confess that I have not been paid by any “ogas at the top” to make this public, but I will not object to someone passing me a Ghana-must-go bag full of Naira notes under the table.
Image Credit: Google Images